I think I started my search for a true, fulfilling D/s relationship since just before I was a teenager, when the feelings first surfaced in a tangible way.
As I've mentioned in earlier postings, I gained a strong desire for bondage and kink as a teenager, quite early in life. Before I even knew what "bondage" was. I just knew I liked tying myself up, and the feeling of being tied up. The feeling of being tied up quickly became associated with sexual arousal and pleasure.
Yes, it started out as a fascination with self bondage. The bondage became very sexual in nature. It then expanded to pain. Over the years I simply grew from wanting to be tied up, to needing the feeling of being bound and restrained during sex, and then wanting the bondage to become uncomfortable and even painful. The intensity of the experience was like a drug.
All of this required someone willing to tie me up; someone that would tie me, hurt me, take me sexually.
In other words, a dominant. And as I became more dependent on a dominant in my life, I became more submissive.
When I was 14, bondage was just play that was associated with kinky sex and was fun. Finding partners for this play at that age was really difficult. It actually started with some girls, at sleep overs. I introduced the idea of playing tie up games. Games with consequences; like... if you could get out of the tie in a certain amount of time you got to force a dare on the person that tied you. If you didn't, they could force a dare on you.
Guys though... well, the problem there was that most of the guys in high school were stupid and incompetent. They could fuck, sure. I spread my legs, they would put it in and pound away. They even kissed me while doing it. It wasn't something they had to learn, it was instinct.
But bondage? Most guys were like, sure.... I'll do that... but then would fuck it up. Or they would get scared of me and worry I was going to turn it into some rape accusation and they'd end up in jail. That was a big problem; I even had a pair of handcuffs I had used for some self bondage scenarios, and none of the guys I fucked back then would use them. They were afraid I would go running out in the street screaming rape.
So it was really just sort of playing around until I was 16.
My first real experience being tied up and completely sexually dominated came at age 16 with a 20 year old guy named Kevin who had gotten a taste for bondage and thought finding a cute 16 year old to tie up was the best thing ever. He had a sadistic streak, but I guess that's something of what I needed. Someone that would take it seriously.
I met Kevin in a night class at the community college. He was a tall and relatively good looking guy with sandy hair that was a little curly, a strong face, and pretty nice body. I liked how he was tall, I remember, he towered above me. We got along right away, and he asked me out. I don't think he knew I was 16 at the time.
We went out a couple more times, and each time when we fucked he was completely dominant, pushing me down and holding me in place. Finally, like, on the 4th or 5th date I asked him to tie me up. His eyes just glowed like he was incredibly happy, and he got out some rope he had in his apartment and tied my wrists together and then up to the top of the bed; I could tell right away that he knew what he was doing because the tie was tight, there was no way I would get out of it, and he did it fast.
Just getting my wrists tied was enough for me to get off, about all I had ever had a guy do, but he also tied my legs apart. Ankles anchored to the side of the bed so I was spread wide. It was amazing. The feeling of helplessness was so incredible, I got a rush of adrenalin and was so aroused I was ready to cum right then. I mean, he could have done anything to me right then and there was nothing I could ever have done about it, and it got me off.
After a while he stopped forcing the deep throat and he jammed something up my ass, I think it was a little statue of the Eiffel Tower, or something like that. It hurt like hell, but he jammed it up there and then fucked my cunt again until he was ready to cum.
Remember, I was still relatively inexperienced back then. I didn't expect it when he pulled out, moved up to my head and finished himself off, jacking his cock over my face and then letting go with solid streams of cum all over my face and hair. I was tied up and couldn't do a damn thing about it, I just lay there and let him smear his cum all over my face.
I did't realize I had a rape fantasy until then. What he did to me then, that time, was pretty close to rape except for the fact I had asked him to do it. Well, not the details, like forcing me to vomit on his cock or ram something up my ass, but I had asked him to tie me up and take me, yanno? And he did, just a little rougher than I had thought. I was naive.
That whole experience was really difficult for me to process. On the one hand, he had really gone too far, raping my asshole with an object, fucking my mouth until I vomited, and spurting his semen on my face. It was way intense.
On the other hand, I had sort of asked him for it. I wanted him to take me, to tie me up and then take me so I felt helpless. And believe me, I felt totally helpless. It was also an incredible turn on. I loved the feeling of helplessness.
There is a fundamental difference in the feeling of being tied up when you do it yourself, and being tied up and helpless at the whim of someone else who is going to do things to your body and you got no control over it at all. With Kevin, I discovered just how deeply my desire for that feeling of helplessness ran inside me. I really got off on being tied, and then taken. And if the guy did something I didn't expect, it just made me feel more vulnerable and helpless, and that's what I was getting off on.
It wasn't that easy finding a place and time to let Kevin tie me up and rape me. It took time, sometimes made a mess (I bled a couple of times, and there was vomit and drool and semen), and had to be private. I couldn't do it at my house. Kevin had an apartment, where we would do it, but we only did it when his roommate wasn't around. I was still in school, too, and that limited things a bit.
We'd find time, though, maybe once every couple of weeks, to do a scene. That was when I sort of learned about the whole concept of a scene; setting something up a specific way, and playing it out until he was satisfied sexually. Yeah, I got off on it too, but the real focus on the scenes was on him. Kevin had to get off. Kevin was the one who was in control, and if I climaxed that was fine, but ultimately it was Kevin's cum that mattered. That part was OK because it was all part of being dominated and helpless.
I was too young to realize it back then, but Kevin was an asshole. He wasn't a true sadist, and had no finesse. More and more he turned to just hitting me during sex. After a couple of bruises on my face, I had to ask him to cut it out, because my parents were all up in my ass, trying to figure out why I kept falling down at school (hey, I couldn't tell them my boyfriend liked to punch me out when we fucked, could I?)
Yeah, Kevin would tie me up, and fucked me and made me feel helpless and all, but after a while it was apparent that he wasn't a dominant, not truly. He was just more of a wife beater. He got off on tying me up, sure, and fucked me, but he was really nasty and just couldn't help himself from punching me or hurting me.
That wasn't the last time I was raped, but those are different stories.
Anyway, after Kevin, I realized I wanted and needed what he had given me. I needed the feeling of being tied and helpless, of submitting to another person and maybe even being forced to do things. Of feeling like I had no control over my body. I just needed that as part of a relationship, and with a lot more style. Like, some sort of mutual commitment. Just getting beat up and raped wasn't what I needed.
So, Kevin was actually the first guy that opened my eyes to my being a submissive, and he also showed me that he wasn't the true dominant that I wanted.
My search continued.
2 hours ago