Rediscovering Self Bondage

It's been a week since I invoked the safe word and effectively ended the slave relationship I have had with Jason.

I'm devastated. It's my responsibility, I did it, it was my choice. I didn't have to. There was nothing bad going on physically, I was locked in a leg spreading bracket, unable to move, but it didn't hurt and the discomfort was mild.

It was the mental anguish. The anguish of my owner, my husband, letting other men take me. It is honestly difficult for me to understand, because I have fucked many men in my life, some of them rather disgusting. I've allowed a guy that was probably near 60 years old to tie me up and abuse me and then fuck me any way he wanted. So what was so different about this?

Bondage and submission is just so complex. It's nuanced, it's about the subtle interplay between two people and how one gives up control to another. Power exchange, the process of letting someone else have the power. Frankly, it's in the mind.

That principle was core, is core, to the relationship I had with Jason, and yet he broke me. My mind broke, really. I ended up taking the power back.

I spent the last week in a motel, and have arranged for an apartment. I move into it this weekend.

Being alone is really, really hard. There are a couple of girlfriends, including Diane from across the street, who have spent some time with me, supporting me. She's a dear, even if she is a bit self-centered. Erin has helped a bit, but she's a hard core domme and has been only partially understanding.

The hotel is a nice place, not like a Four Seasons but better than a Motel 6, you know?  Point is it has turn down service in the evenings, which is kind of dumb for me, but hey...  Anyway.  I am working, of course, and get back to the hotel sometime around 6 - 7.

But the weirdest thing has happened here at the hotel.

I'm really going through bondage withdrawals, I am so used to being tied up and dominated and hurt, the complete absence of any bondage at all is like suddenly weening myself off opiates. I can't stand it. It's like removing Jason from my life has gutted me and not wearing a collar and cuffs or being suspended and stretched from the ceiling is just rubbing it in, making it even more painful.

To tell you the truth I was in a real depression and was circling the drain toward doing something like cutting, or some other sort of self harm. I would get to the hotel in the evening and strip, spend the entire evening naked because I was so used to coming home and conforming to Jason's rules.

I needed an outlet, something that reconnected me with my inner self and the self that had been part of me since I was quite young, long before that Bastard Jason.

So, I decided to re-engage in some of the self bondage that used to be so frequent in my teens and very early 20s, before I began really turning myself over to guys to dominate me. The technology for self bondage has advanced a lot during the last 15 years or so, but most of it is only available through the internet. I wanted to get started right away and didn't have time or space to order equipment.

I would have preferred to use cuffs, locks, straps, panel gags and harnesses, but Jason had every bit of my bondage paraphernalia. Well, his paraphernalia that he used on me. I guess it isn't mine any more.

As a result, I had to make do with some basic rope techniques. There was a Home Depot on the way back to the hotel and I stopped to get the rope the third day I was in the hotel.

To be honest, it has been a while since I did this. Tying one's self up isn't that hard, really. But tying one's self up securely in a way that makes it impossible to get free, while at the same time leaving a method or escape path to getting free-- it's a contradiction in terms that requires a bit of thought and practice. The best way to get free is to have a lock that can be undone with a timer, such as ice or a timed lockbox.

Rope is a lot tougher. You either have to leave a way to undo the tie, in which case you are not actually secured thoroughly which makes the whole thing feel like a cheat and crappy, or you have to set some barrier between you and a blade of some sort to cut the rope. Or a candle to burn through it but that is dangerous because candles can go out (I learned that at 17).

Well, I had room service steak the second night I was in the hotel and kept the steak knife. That was my way out. I put it in the bathroom, on the counter, and closed the door. I figured that would be enough of an obstacle, which it was, considering how I was going to tie myself. (That was a mistake, by the way, one I realized later. The steak knife was hard to handle and would have taken forever to cut through the rope. I should have gotten some solid wire cutters or shears when I bought the rope).

About 7:00, after I ate room service and was relaxed, I stripped down to nothing. It felt good to be naked, even if it was in private. The anticipation was enough to get me wet, and I knelt on the bed and rubbed my clit for a while with the rope laying on the bed in front of me. I stopped before cumming though, I wanted to be at full arousal for my bondage session; it was hard to stop. I hadn't had an orgasm in three days.

The first part was easy. I sat on the bed with my legs together, looped the rope into a double strand and slipped it around my ankles, back through the loop in the opposite direction and around again, cinching it tight. Then looping the rope around the center between my ankles and they were nicely secured. Easy-peasy.

Next, the same rope up to my knees, around once and hooked through the strand from the bottom, back around the opposite direction and around once in the middle, tightening. Wow, it felt good and my legs were tightly done. No way to get out of that.

The trailing length of rope from my knee tie I pushed aside and did a quick chest harness. Not too hard, just around the shoulders and above and below my breasts, then tied in front. Once my wrists were secured behind me it would be impossible to undo.

Now for the hard part. I had taken a single strand of rope and created a double cinch, a classic self-bondage set of loops that allow one to put their wrists in and then tighten. Once tightened, the rope doesn't loosen (if done properly) and you are truly secured. No way out.

The prepared double cinch rope went around the back of the chest harness and was tied there. That was a tough part, reaching back and getting that secured, but I was able to do it on the side then slip it around to the center, between my shoulder blades. No fancy knot needed, the harness served as the anchor. I might be able to get to that knot, but would require me to raise my hands all the way up behind me and that wasn't going to happen, and granny knots don't come undone once tightened.

I lay on my stomach on the bed. I was almost done. First... I stuffed my mouth with a cotton wash cloth from the background. Ugh. It was not going to be comfortable; it was going to soak up my drool inside and dry my mouth out. I gagged once putting it in. A short strip of rope went around my face and was tied behind my head to hold the gag in place.

The whole process of tying myself up was exciting me no end. I mean, it was bringing back times when I was 16 years old just learning and exploring my kink, trying new things and discovering just how sexually aroused I was by the process. And the feeling of helplessness. And later, the feelings of discomfort and actual pain that came from being tied helplessly.

Before going further I got a vibrator I had and inserted it between my legs. My knees were tied together, so my thighs were tight together. I managed to squeeze the vibrator in and turn it on. Yes.... I did not need that stimulation to get off from self bondage, it was an end in itself; but the vibrator was icing on the cake. I moaned a bit and wiggled, feeling the vibrator do it's job on my pussy.

Finally, the other end of the rope I tied to the rope between my ankles, after bending my knees to get my ankles up as far as I could. The result was a strand of rope that was tied to my chest harness at the top, and my ankles at the bottom. The cinch loops were in the middle and I was straining to keep my knees bent and as far up in back of me as possible so they wouldn't close the cinch loops and make this whole thing for nothing.

The last piece. Both wrists behind me, right above the small of my back. The cinch loops had closed some and were hard to get on. I shoved my left fingers in, being careful not to close the other loop, and wriggled in. Once the left wrist was in, I did the same with the right. It took a little effort, but finally I was in place.

All it took was for me to relax my legs and the rope behind my back pulled the cinches tight, and my wrists were inescapably tied behind me.

Holy crap. I lay there, face in the pillows of the bed, feeling the vibrator, testing the ropes, my heart beating, panting, aroused, excited, and frankly... I felt like a little girl again.

I mean, how perverted is that, right? Laying naked in a self tied hogtie in a hotel room, rocking my hips against a vibrator tucked between my legs... and I felt like a 16 year old.

My hips kept rocking back and forth rather as if I were humping someone underneath me. The gag muffled the cries of my first orgasm, which ended in tears. I am not sure why the tears, but I am not a stranger to them. But I'd never cried after a self induced orgasm, or one with a guy for that matter. It had only happened before with girls I had made love to.

Anyway, the vibrator was still going and asking if I wanted another one. I thought about it but decided I might as well try getting loose now, since this was the first time I had done this in a long time and I didn't know how long it would take me. Just damn it was fun though. I do not understand why I like being tied up and having things done to me, but I do.

Anyway, I sort of rolled over to the side of the bed and looked down. To get to the knife I was going to have to roll off the bed (I hadn't thought about that while tying myself) then squirm to the bathroom door, somehow get onto my knees and twist the handle to get the door open then crawl inside, push myself onto the toilet somehow and then knock the knife off the counter onto the floor. After which I could begin sawing away at the ropes.

It was really  obvious that I hadn't done this in a long time because my first obstacle, falling off the bed onto the floor in a hogtie position, was looking intimidating. I could break a bone. What the hell was I thinking? And I had done too good a job of tying the hogtie-- my ankles were pulled way up behind me and my back was arched, and my wrists and hands were hurting because wriggling around had tightened the cinch ties even tighter.

I whimpered a bit to myself, the vibrator relentlessly trying to get me to orgasm again, and looked over the edge of the bed again. My hair hung down toward the floor and I began the slow wriggle toward the edge. The second obstacle of opening the door was going to be ten times harder.

There was a knock on the door.

My eyes went wide and I looked at the closed hotel door.

"'scuse meeee.... turn down service... housekeeping..."

Fuck. Well, fine. I didn't care if I had turn down service, I never understood the purpose behind that anyway, except for the little chocolates they left behind. My gag was going to stop me from telling her to go away, so I lay quietly.

Then the click of an electronic lock being released and the door handle turning. FFFuuuuCCCkkkkkk she had a key and I hadn't used the deadbolt she was coming in and was going to see me all tied up fffUUUcccKKKK....

The hair was hanging over my face as I turned to look at the maid as she entered. She entered then stopped for a second.

"Hmmmmgfggggggfffff."  I said, hoping she wasn't going to scream. "Hmmmsmfffhmphhhmmm..."

She did gasp, and stay very still for a moment, then moved quickly in, the room door closing behind her with a thunk.

Well, that hurdle was over. I was stark naked and tied tight, gagged, with a buzzing vibrator between my legs, but at least she hadn't called security.

"Are you all right?" she said in a Spanish accent. She was young, maybe 25 or so, younger than me, and rather pretty. I could see her face next to mine as she knelt next to me.

I nodded, calmly, trying to give off the aura that I was Not a Victim and she should remain calm. "Mmmemmpphjh."

Reaching behind my head she worked to undo the knot of the rope that held in the cloth gag. I was drooling, of course, and suddenly wondered if she would be mad or disgusted about me expelling body fluid all over her carpet. It is so strange what we think of when in the midst of weird and panicky situations.

The vibrator kept buzzing as she worked on the knot, and I couldn't help but squeeze and thrust my hips a couple of times. I mean, really... it felt good!

The nice maid had a lot of trouble with my knot. It must have been tighter than I thought, or she just wasn't used to knots, but she finally got it off. She pulled the cloth out of my mouth and I worked my jaw and tongue getting rid of the dry cloth-y taste and feel.

"Thank you, please don't be upset, I am not in trouble or anything, this is just..." My voice trailed off. How was I going to explain this?

"Do you want me to untie you?" she said hesitantly. That was a weird question to ask someone you encountered that was all tied up, and I realized this maid had probably seen a lot of weird stuff in her time being a hotel maid.

"Yes, yes, please. I have a knife in the bathroom I was going to use to cut the ropes, but..."

She began working on the knot of my chest harness.

"A knife? What good would it do in the bathroom? How did this happen? Who did this to you? Will... will he be coming back?" She said worriedly.

I shook my head as she finally got the harness knot untied and began unwrapping me.

"Can you remove the vibrator, please?"

She hesitated, looked between my legs then shook her head. "Please, ma'am, I would rather you do that."

She continued undoing knots. "Who did this to you?" she said again, still worried.

"I did it to myself," I explained. "I... tied myself up. Self bondage. People do it sometimes, it is a kind of kink."

She nodded. "I know many kinks. My boyfriend, he likes to use handcuffs when he fucks me. I... um, I don't like it so much."

She got another knot undone and it was easy for me to being unwrapping the ropes myself.

"Yeah. I like being tied up. When there is no guy to tie me up, I ..um... do it myself. I'm really sorry. Really..."

She stood back as I finished unwrapping ropes.

"Oh, it's OK. One time I found four guests all wrapped up together in bed. They tried to get me to join then, but... " she wrinkled her nose in disgust. "And I seen stuff before. My boyfriend, he watches the porno on the internets."

"Yeah. Well, I still apologize. Though you really saved me a lot of effort. Looking at the door, I think you are right, it would have been pretty hard for me to open it when I was tied up."

Actually, I was realizing I was probably damned lucky she had shown up. I had mis-estimated how much I could do while tied up.

"Look... " I looked at her name tag. "Estelle. Can I give you a tip if you won't tell anyone about this?"

I had moved to my purse, still naked. It didn't seem to bother her much, and I got the idea she had a little more experience with her boyfriend than she was telling me about. Pulling out two twenties, I gave them to her.

"I appreciate your helping and," I paused meaningfully, "your discretion."

She tucked the $40 in her maid's dress pocket and smiled. "Of course."

A thought struck me. "Say, Estelle. Do you always do turn down service on this floor?"

She nodded. "Si, Monday through Saturday, each evening."

I smiled, and nodded. "Well, I appreciate the service you provided tonight. Perhaps... you might be able to render me the same service tomorrow night."

She looked at me sideways, and I could tell she was fingering the forty bucks in her pocket.

"In fact, I think I would be very grateful, and you could expect another tip." I said.

Estelle nodded. "OK, ma'am. I come and do turn down service. I knock on every door. No answer, I come in, do turn down. I do this room too. Tomorrow."

I gently guided Estelle to the door. "That would be wonderful. My gratitude would be... very significant. Until tomorrow, then?"

I wanted her gone, I was so aroused by the situation, being discovered, the bondage, this cute maid, it all had come together and I swear I was flushing. I wanted to masturbate and she was keeping me from it.

"Thank you ma'am." She exited the door then stopped just as the door was closing. "Oh, and ma'am?"

She handed me two chocolates.

I think I had just discovered my self bondage escape timer.

During this whole evening, I hadn't thought about Jason once.